I Can Hear the Fat Kid Running ... and It's Hilarious

If Forrest Gump can run like the wind, why can't I?

My professional opinion: I don't think I run correctly. Seriously, something has to be physically wrong with my body for me to still run as slow as I do. Maybe my feet are shaped wrong, or actually made of lead. OR I am missing some critical running muscle (technical term) in my legs.

There has to be some explanation for years of running and remaining at a snail's pace. Maybe some sort of time/space continuum is happening once I put on my workout shoes (that would explain a lot). I don't really know what that means, but I felt the need to use a science term as an explanation.

Everyone sprints in a WOD ... I run the same pace as if I was starting a marathon and needed to keep a slow, but steady, pace. The mere suggestion of me running a marathon is hilarious because I would rather gouge my own eyes out before I would subject myself to a run/jog/walk/slow death for that long. I would be the road kill still laid out on the street two days later as cars swerved by honking and annoyed at the traffic disturbance.

I feel certain I look like a 400 lb person trying to fling my body forward one leg at a time. I literally feel like I'm moving backwards sometimes. In the past I used the excuse that I am 5'3" and have the shortest legs ever... until the other day when some 4'9" new little sprite showed up to CrossFit and zipped past me like she had a motor on her ass propelling her forward. That cut me, cut me deep.

This clip comes to mind ...

 

Lucky for me, how fast I run doesn't make for getting Rx or not Rx. [Insert relief here]. It just makes time stand still ... And this CrossFit Badass Wannabe (never gonnabe) look like a tool.

P.S. If anyone finds some scientific reason for slow running, please forward to The Clumsy Crossfitter, as that will give me a valid excuse. Thanks in advance.

Walk Like A ... Duck?

Workouts heavy on legs are often followed by days of what I like to call the duck walk. This walk consists of a waddle due to the inability to bend one's knees because of extreme soreness, thus forcing a person to tilt his or her body from side to side in order to propel their body forward. Since starting CrossFit over a year ago, I would say that I have done the duck walk pretty much errr week. All. Day. long.

I know what you're thinking ... That sounds so hot. Well, don't even bother fighting over me boys, some lucky dawg already snatched me up with this sexy waddle. Even more attractive is when my knees buckle and I bust my ass in public. This pretty much never happens in private. Ever. When said knee buckling occurs and I fall (or am lucky enough to just almost fall) it happens in slow motion. Gives bystanders plenty of time to see it and enjoy the full extent of my grace as I grasp for a railing (that's never there) or try to figure out what tripped me (nothing).  Then there I am, road kill, paralyzed on the ground with no clue how my sore, broken, body will pull itself off the ground. I really regret not installing those railings on my front steps like I lied and told the insurance company I did. Karma.

As I write this, I am starting to agree that maybe CrossFit IS dangerous ... but it's not the workouts, it's the post workout ya gotta watch out for. I would have appreciated a free walker with gym membership.

Dear Double Unders

Dear Double Unders,

We are not friends. We will never be friends. We certainly will never have a relationship. I bought a special rope for you, and still ... you reject me. You whip me, smack me, trip me, and bring out every curse word I have ever known. I do not like your "playful" smacks on my legs and booty. You play too rough.

Is this my punishment for never wanting to double dutch as a kid? For never singing your jump rope songs? Well your punishment is too harsh. TOO HARSH, I say.

I am breaking up with you. This relationship is stagnant and only brings me pain (both literally and figuratively). I am choosing to focus on the positive things in my CrossFit life, like cleans, pull ups, and SINGLES. I can do singles like a BOSS.

Sincerely,
Uncoordinated

P.S. Tell your friend box jumps they can go screw themselves too.

99 Problems and a Box is 1

Let me be clear ... when I say "box" I do not mean my CrossFit gym. I mean the actual box/step stool/Rubbermaid apparatus of which people use in the gym to give height and/or climb on top of during a workout. The fact that I have ZERO coordination and attempt the things I do in the gym means that I should have giant orange traffic cones surrounding me at all times. No person or thing is safe in my presence.

This past Saturday I did this to myself:

No friends, it wasn't from a box jump, and it wasn't even during our workout. Oh how I wish it had been during the workout. Actual box jump anxiety (the struggle is real) is a whole other animal that will be discussed at a later date. You see, I learned to do pull ups (unassisted) a few months ago and I was showing a fellow athlete (I just laughed that I called myself an athlete) how to kip. Oh, and side note: I am a super shorty. Therefore, I require a step stool or box to reach the pull up bars. So I do a pull up and drop back onto this stool before then dismounting onto the floor. Stepping onto the floor would be when I twisted my ankle and scraped the other shin going down ... to the ground. Now, this was a 12" step stool... how does one even have the vertical space to create these injuries you say? Well, there are a slew of eye witnesses asking that very same question. I cannot explain it other than to say that where there's a will there's a way.

The added bonus would be the 14 other people staring at me in the gym as this all went down. No point in looking like a fool if you don't have a crowd to watch. This also created the situation where I couldn't even pretend I wasn't hurt or did anything. EVERYONE SAW. I often try to play something off as if I am fine, meanwhile I will be dragging a leg behind me like a dead animal.

I normally have a high tolerance for pain (I guess I would have to in order to survive), but I felt my throat get tight. I mean, it was a tiny fall... there's no crying in CrossFit. Except during a rough WOD. You can cry (I prefer internally) during a really hard WOD. I think it was all the attention that got me, but alas, I survived and modified the workout. Do not fret, I will live to exercise another day.

To be clear, CrossFit is not the cause for my injuries. It just gives me a public forum of which to collect them. I cannot tell you how many times I have fallen on the tennis courts, running, walking, walking up stairs, walking down stairs, walking across a flat area, stepping in a hole, and once even just standing still while wearing a pair of skis.

P. S. I get this from my mother.