I Can Hear the Fat Kid Running ... and It's Hilarious

If Forrest Gump can run like the wind, why can't I?

My professional opinion: I don't think I run correctly. Seriously, something has to be physically wrong with my body for me to still run as slow as I do. Maybe my feet are shaped wrong, or actually made of lead. OR I am missing some critical running muscle (technical term) in my legs.

There has to be some explanation for years of running and remaining at a snail's pace. Maybe some sort of time/space continuum is happening once I put on my workout shoes (that would explain a lot). I don't really know what that means, but I felt the need to use a science term as an explanation.

Everyone sprints in a WOD ... I run the same pace as if I was starting a marathon and needed to keep a slow, but steady, pace. The mere suggestion of me running a marathon is hilarious because I would rather gouge my own eyes out before I would subject myself to a run/jog/walk/slow death for that long. I would be the road kill still laid out on the street two days later as cars swerved by honking and annoyed at the traffic disturbance.

I feel certain I look like a 400 lb person trying to fling my body forward one leg at a time. I literally feel like I'm moving backwards sometimes. In the past I used the excuse that I am 5'3" and have the shortest legs ever... until the other day when some 4'9" new little sprite showed up to CrossFit and zipped past me like she had a motor on her ass propelling her forward. That cut me, cut me deep.

This clip comes to mind ...

 

Lucky for me, how fast I run doesn't make for getting Rx or not Rx. [Insert relief here]. It just makes time stand still ... And this CrossFit Badass Wannabe (never gonnabe) look like a tool.

P.S. If anyone finds some scientific reason for slow running, please forward to The Clumsy Crossfitter, as that will give me a valid excuse. Thanks in advance.

Walk Like A ... Duck?

Workouts heavy on legs are often followed by days of what I like to call the duck walk. This walk consists of a waddle due to the inability to bend one's knees because of extreme soreness, thus forcing a person to tilt his or her body from side to side in order to propel their body forward. Since starting CrossFit over a year ago, I would say that I have done the duck walk pretty much errr week. All. Day. long.

I know what you're thinking ... That sounds so hot. Well, don't even bother fighting over me boys, some lucky dawg already snatched me up with this sexy waddle. Even more attractive is when my knees buckle and I bust my ass in public. This pretty much never happens in private. Ever. When said knee buckling occurs and I fall (or am lucky enough to just almost fall) it happens in slow motion. Gives bystanders plenty of time to see it and enjoy the full extent of my grace as I grasp for a railing (that's never there) or try to figure out what tripped me (nothing).  Then there I am, road kill, paralyzed on the ground with no clue how my sore, broken, body will pull itself off the ground. I really regret not installing those railings on my front steps like I lied and told the insurance company I did. Karma.

As I write this, I am starting to agree that maybe CrossFit IS dangerous ... but it's not the workouts, it's the post workout ya gotta watch out for. I would have appreciated a free walker with gym membership.